what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
