you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
