Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
