Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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