Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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