He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
3pm strippers are depressing
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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