WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
