gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
