also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
