i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
