first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
