i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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