You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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