Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
