Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
