I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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