sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
