i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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