who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
