I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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