i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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