Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My bed smells like the plague
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
