So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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