How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
