My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize