So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
