Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
