It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
