he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
two words...techno handjob
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
