does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
