Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
