I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
