if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
