It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
