If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think my moral compass just broke
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
