So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
