My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
