I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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