There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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