What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
