im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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