i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
