quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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