I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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