Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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