my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
