I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
