i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
