Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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