you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
