Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
