I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
