Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
