she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
