i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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