I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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