I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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